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Best Funny Quotes

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I’ve prepared for you a great list with best funny quotes of all time. Of course, the list could be larger, but you can help me to expand it.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

I reckon being ill as one of the great pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work till one is better.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

best funny quotes If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter

Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons

Les Paul Quotes

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I have younger friends who don’t work, and they aren’t doing so well. My secret is to keep going, keep working.

I used my mother’s radio as a PA system. I’d take the telephone, the speaking part, and take those two leads off and lead them into the radio and the sound would come out of the speaker.

I wanted something very dense, something that would sustain long and more pieces of wood that would be soft, sweet, for more of a mellow sound.

Les Paul QuotesI Now I need to take a piece of wood and make it sound like the railroad track, but I also had to make it beautiful and lovable so that a person playing it would think of it in terms of his mistress, a bartender, his wife, a good psychiatrist – whatever.

One minute we’re over here, the next minute we’re doing something completely different. But it’s interesting because you are producing so many things you couldn’t do with analog.

We go in there and we work on altering those ideas and in many cases go in different directions.

When I got my first guitar my fingers wouldn’t go to the sixth string so I took off the big E and played with just five strings. I was only 6 or 7.

20 Homer Simpson Quotes on Parenting

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Homer Simpson Quotes1.) “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.”

2.) “OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”

3.) “No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American Way.”

4.) “I don’t apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that’s the way I am.”

5.) “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

6.) “The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else…”

7.) “I have to work overtime at work instead of spending time with my wife and kids, which is what I want.”

8.) “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.”

9.) “Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”

10.) “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

11.) “Kids are great, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves now-a-days, you know, with the internet and all.”

12.) “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

13.) “Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.”

14.) “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. ”

15.) “Movies are the only escape from the drudgery of work and family … No offense.”

16.) “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.”

17.) “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”

18.) “Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential murderers.”

19.) “Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. ”

20.) “Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.”

Best Homer Simpson Funny Quotes

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HomerSimpson– “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like……love!”
– “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”
– “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding,«You’re making a scene.»”
– “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
– “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

– “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

– “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”

– “If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”

– “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”

– “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”

– “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”

– “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”

– “Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.”

– “Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.”

– “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”