Tag: Steven Wright

Cute Dogs Quotes

Posted on August 23, 2012 by

“I talk to him when I’m lonesome like; and I’m sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that.” – W. Dayton Wedgefarth

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.” – Andy Rooney

“The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.” – Samuel Butler

“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.” – Max Eastman

“If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.” – Will Rogers

“They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation.” – Jerome K. Jerome

“The dog was created specially for children. He is the god of frolic.” – Henry Ward Beecher

“Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.” – Steve Bluestone

“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.” – Roger Caras

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.” – Christopher Morley

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley

“There is no faith which has never yet been broken, except that of a truly faithful dog.” – Konrad Lorenz

“Dogs, the foremost snobs in creation, are quick to notice the difference between a well-clad and a disreputable stranger.” – Albert Payson Terhune

“You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

“To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring – it was peace.” – Milan Kundera

“I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.” – Steven Wright

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert A. Heinlein

Famous People Quotes #4

Posted on March 25, 2011 by

“He who has a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’.” – Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

“Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.” – Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.” – Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.” – Voltaire (1694-1778)

“He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.” – H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” – Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

“I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.” – Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

“If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” – J. Paul Getty (1892-1976)

“Facts are the enemy of truth.” – Don Quixote – “Man of La Mancha”

“When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.” – George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

“How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.” – Anais Nin (1903-1977)

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

“I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.” – Frederick (II) the Great

“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.” – Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

“Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.” – George Eliot (1819-1880)

“Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.”
– Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

“Black holes are where God divided by zero.” – Steven Wright

“I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” – Walt Disney (1901-1966)

“We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.” – Vince Lombardi

“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” – James Branch Cabell

“A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.” – John D. Rockefeller (1874-1960)

“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.” – Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

“You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.” – Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

“An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.” – Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

“I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.” – Umberto Eco

“Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.” – Jimmy Durante

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” – Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

“A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953

“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Famous People Quotes #8

Posted on February 15, 2011 by

“Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.” – Martin Fraquhar Tupper

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” – Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

“It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“When ideas fail, words come in very handy.” – Goethe (1749-1832)

“In the end, everything is a gag.” – Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)

“The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.” – Lucille S. Harper

“You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” – Walt Disney (1901-1966)

“He who hesitates is a damned fool.” – Mae West (1892-1980)

“Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.” – Gail Godwin

“University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.” – Henry Kissinger (1923-)

“The graveyards are full of indispensable men.” – Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

“You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.” – Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

“Behind every great fortune there is a crime.” – Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

“I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton (1885-1945)

“Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

“I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.” – Katherine Cebrian

“I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.” – Steven Wright

“Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.” – Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)

“Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.” – Oliver Herford (1863-1935)

“I have read your book and much like it.” – Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

“The covers of this book are too far apart.” – Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

“Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.” – Flannery O’Connor (1925-1964)

“Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.” – Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

“Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.” – Voltaire (1694-1778)

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” – Mae West (1892-1980)

“I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.” – Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

“No Sane man will dance.” – Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

“Hell is a half-filled auditorium.” – Robert Frost (1874-1963)

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” – Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

“Vote early and vote often.” – Al Capone (1899-1947)

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.” – Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“Hell is other people.” – Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

“Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.” – Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavad Gita, after witnessing the world’s first nuclear explosion)

“Happiness is good health and a bad memory.” – Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)

“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.” – Thomas Jones

“You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” – Al Capone (1899-1947)

“The gods too are fond of a joke.” – Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

“Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.” – Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

“The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.” – Gloria Leonard

Amazing Life Quotes

Posted on February 7, 2011 by

Sorry guys, I intended to post all amazing quotes yesterday, but sometimes I think I need more than 24 hours a day. I am the only one who thinks that? Let’s continue (if you want) with a great list of amazing life quotes. Please, enjoy!

“Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.” – Steven Wright

“If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.” – Rabbi Harold Kushner

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.” – Peace Pilgrim

“The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.” – William Arthur Ward

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” – Albert Einstein

“Live life fully while you’re here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You’re going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don’t try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.” – Anthony Robbins

“The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson

“If you do not have a target to aim for, you are going to miss it anyway.” – Clifford Aga

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

“One day at a time–this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.” – Author Unknown

“Life is a cement trampoline.” – Howard Nordberg

“If someone cheats you once, it might be their mistake. If that person cheats you again, then it’s YOUR mistake.” – Clifford Aga

“Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.” – Lillian Dickson

“”Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov

“My life has a superb cast but I can’t figure out the plot.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.” – Charles Schulz

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost

“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death.” – Albert Einstein

“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” – James Dean

“Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.” – Danny Kaye

Laughs Quotes

Posted on December 11, 2010 by

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. – Steven Wright

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. – Dave Barry

It’s hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women. – Scott Adams

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. – A Bit of Fry and Laurie

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: Fighting, fleeing, feeding and… mating. – Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. – Mark Twain

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. – William James

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? – Dick Cavett

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? – Unknown

Top 10 Funny Quotes of the Day

Posted on August 8, 2010 by

1. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up, because by that time I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley

2. “What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant

3. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?” – Paul Merton

4. “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.” – Homer Simpson

5. “I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?” – Jean Kerr

6. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright

7. “At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” – Partick Moore

8. “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” – Groucho Marx

9. “You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeners

10. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler

Drugs Quotes

Posted on May 7, 2010 by

– “They say drugs aren’t the answer, but really, what is the question?” – Janet Fitch

– “I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.” – Salvador Dali

– “All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal.” – Thomas Szasz

– “Don’t do drugs because if you do drugs you’ll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison.” – John Hardwick

– “Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.” – P.J. O’Rourke

– “If God dropped acid, would he see people?” – Steven Wright

– “I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.” – Unknown

– “Avoid all needle drugs – the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.” – Abbie Hoffman

– “Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Lily Tomlin

– “Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they’re the scenic route.” – Unknown

Gas Prices Quotes

Posted on March 14, 2010March 14, 2010 by

– “Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas.” – Esa Tikkannen, 1979

– “I am having an out of money experience.” – Unknown

– “The use of solar energy has not been opened up because the oil industry does not own the sun.” – Ralph Nader

– “The bicycle is the most efficient machine ever created: Converting calories into gas, a bicycle gets the equivalent of three thousand miles per gallon.” – Bill Strickland

– “Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence.” – Max Amsterdam

– “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright

– “I figured out Karl Rove’s political strategy – make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls.” – John Kerry

– “Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” – George Carlin

– “It’s better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.” – Unknown

– “Even if gas prices fall, consumers will continue to be gouged at the pump. The only thing that we can be sure rises faster that the price of gasoline is the skyrocketing profits of oil companies.” – R. Owens

– “A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.” – Unknown

– “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” – George Gobel

– “Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up on the problem of an efficient way to get himself five miles to work and back each day.” – Bill Vaughan

– “Walking isn’t a lost art – one must, by some means, get to the garage.” – Evan Esar

– “The shortest distance between two points is under construction.” – Noelie Altito

– “Restore human legs as a means of travel. Pedestrians rely on food for fuel and need no special parking facilities.” – Lewis Mumford

– “In the old days a man who saved money was a miser; nowadays he’s a wonder.” – Unknown

Best Comedian Quotes

Posted on September 28, 2009 by

– “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, «I’d like some fries.» The girl at the counter said, «Would you like some fries with that?»” – Jay Leno)

– “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.” – Roseanne

– “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

– “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

– “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen

– “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin

– “Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!” – George Carlin

– “You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.” – Dave Chappelle

– “I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.” – Dave Chappelle

– “A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

– “To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.” – Billy Crystal

– “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright

– “Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.” – Carrie Snow

– “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” – Eddie Izzard

– “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Gobel

– “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

– “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld

– “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.” – Chris Rock

50 funny quotes

Posted on September 15, 2009November 30, 2010 by

1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown

2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown

3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown

4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson

6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown

7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno

10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush

11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein

13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock

15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers

17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey

20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin

21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda

24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson

26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire

27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds

28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes

29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg

31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates

32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland

33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull

34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin

36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones

37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov

39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen

41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost

42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West

46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw

48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes

50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers