Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Category: Funny Quotes

Funny Failure Quotes

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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you have tried. – Rule of Failure

Show me a good and gracious loser and I’ll show you a failure. – Knute Rockne

All the world loves a good loser. – Kin Hubbard

There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose. – Kin Hubbard

I had a mother who taught me there is no such thing as failure. It is just a temporary postponement of success. – Buddy Ebsen

If you know you are going to fail, then fail gloriously! – Cate Blanchett

The happy people are failures because they are on such good terms with themselves they don’t give a damn. – Agatha Christie

They stayed away in droves. – Samuel Goldwyn

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

Laughs Quotes

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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. – Steven Wright

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. – Dave Barry

It’s hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women. – Scott Adams

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. – A Bit of Fry and Laurie

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: Fighting, fleeing, feeding and… mating. – Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. – Mark Twain

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. – William James

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? – Dick Cavett

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? – Unknown

Funny Family Quotes

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“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” – Wayne H.

“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” – Sam Levenson

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” – Evan Esar

“Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.” – Anonymous

“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby

“My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.” – Rita Rudner

“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins.” – Josh Billings

“Wealth is any income that is at least one hundred dollars a year more than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.” – HL Mencken

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.” – Anonymous

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge

“My mother didn’t breast feed me. She said she just liked me as a friend.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m going home next week. It’s a kind of energency – my parents are coming here.” – Rita Rudner

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills – while you still know everything.” – John Hinde

“Friends are God’s apology for relations.” – Hugh Kingsmill

Funny Quotes to make you laugh

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Men are like steel; both are worthless when they loose their temper. — Source Unknown

What if “the hokey pokey” is REALLY what it’s all about? — Curtis Spencer

We are the people our parents warned us about. — Jimmy Buffett

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others. — Groucho Marx

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does. — Source Unknown

USA Today has come out with a new survey-apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. — Dave Letterman

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R. — Dennis Miller

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. — Albert Einstein

Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain’t that a big enough majority in any town? — Mark Twain

A good metaphor is something even the police should keep an eye on. — G. C. Lichtenberg

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. — Mark Twain

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. — Groucho Marx

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building. — Charles Shulz

Convent. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness. — Ambrose Bierce

I adore political parties. They are the only place left to us where people don’t talk politics. — Oscar Wilde

Plagiarists at least have the quality of preservation. — Benjamin Disraeli

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. — Mahatma Gandhi

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy — the mother. — Claudette Colbert

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Flip Wilson

I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them. — Mark Twain

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another. — Source Unknown

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. — Groucho Marx

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain’t so. — Mark Twain

He has not a single redeeming defect. — Benjamin Disraeli

When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory. — John Mortimer

Last night the creative juices were flowing but today I am merely a vast wasteland of random thoughts. — Peckeroy

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. — Groucho Marx

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well. — Len Deighton

My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a director. — Cole Porter

He believes that marriage and a career don’t mix. So after the wedding he plans to quit his job. — Source Unknown

Short Funny Quotes

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“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car” – Anonymous

“I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.” – Anonymous

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” – Dean Martin

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Anonymous

“I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra

“I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!” – Homer Simpson

“If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.” – Anonymous

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

“Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.” – Anonymous

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.” – Anonymous

“Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.” – Anonymous

“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.” – Elayne Boosler

“To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.” – Mark Twain

“My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.” – Paul Getty

“If at first you don’t succeed, order pizza.” – Anonymous

“Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.” – Anonymous

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” – Albert Einstein

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.”” – Anonymous

“Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.” – Anonymous

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” – Anonymous

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”- Anonymous

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” – Benny Hill

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

Funny Peter Kay Questions

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“ Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic’?”

“ Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?”

“ Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date? “

“ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? “

“ What do people in China call their good plates? “

“ If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? “

“ Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? “

“ Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? “

“ Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window? “

Funny Peter Kay Quotes

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“So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.”

“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.”

“ I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. “

“ Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said – ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. “

“ My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.“

“ I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.“

“Forty quid Jim – what’s it in, 2p’s?”

“Bullseye wasn’t like any other programme I watched, as it were crap and it were good at the same time.”

“She’s just been trying to change channel with her bloody glasses case!”