Tag: Joan Rivers

Witty Quotes

Posted on August 4, 2011 by

Some of my favorite witty quotes just here, for you.

His mouth is a no-go area. It’s like kissing the Berlin Wall – Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry Kissinger

He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard. – Unknown

A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck. – Tom Shale on Robin Williams

If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog. – Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

God does not play dice with the universe. – Albert Einstien

She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy. – Dwight McDonald on Doris Day

If you can’t convince them, confuse them. – President Harry S Truman

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W C Fields

He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker. – S J Perelman on Groucho Marx

Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon. – Abbey Hoffman

Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder? – Don Rickles

Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese – Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe

The thief of bad gags. – Walter Winchell on Milton Berne

I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born – Ronald Reagan

He’s proof that there’s life after death. – Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan

The only genius with an IQ of 60. – Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol

He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund. – Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them. – Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. – Bob Wells

Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little. – Screen Tester on Fred Astaire

An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf. – Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper. – Rex Reed on Marlon Brando

He could start a row in an empty house – Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire? – Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve. – George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron. – Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics? – Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. – Shakespeare

Funny Humorous and Love Quotes

Posted on January 4, 2011January 4, 2011 by

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up. – Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. – Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along. – Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. – La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. – Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars. – Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. – Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. – Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease. – Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all. – Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. – Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. – W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. – Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. – Woody Allen

Funny Cute Quotes

Posted on January 4, 2011January 4, 2011 by

– “Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns

– “If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance.” – United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

– “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.” – Homer Simpson

– “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” – Winston Churchill

– “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

– “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

– “Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.” – Joan Rivers

– “Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?” – Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

– “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown

– “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Globol

Funny Love Quotes

Posted on December 28, 2010January 4, 2011 by

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. – Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Anonymous

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty. – Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way. – Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires. – Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say! – Anonymous

You can’t buy love on eBay. – Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? – Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. – Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. – Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. – Cher

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries. – Cher

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying –
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying. – Dorothy Parker

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands. – Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. – Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise. – Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. – Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. – Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.” And she never did. – James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr

Funny Quotes

Posted on November 4, 2010 by

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

Funny Quotes

Posted on March 11, 2010 by

– “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan

– “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London

– “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

– “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty

– “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

– “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke

– “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers

– “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

– “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben

– “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke

– “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken

– “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine

– “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw

– “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

– “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland

– “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

– “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford

– “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler

– “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase

– “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres