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Tag: Mark Twain

Funny Sarcastic Sayings About Life

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“What we feel and think and is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera ” – Aldous Huxley

“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” – Mark Twain

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

“Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.” – Robin Williams

“People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.” – Robin Williams

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. ” – Victor Borge

Funny Idiots Quotes

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– "If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?" – Will Rogers

– "Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it." – Mark Twain

– "In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards." – Mark Twain

– "We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later." – Louis Aragon

– "We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do." – Stephen Colbert

– "There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot." – Scott Adams

– "Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest." – Alexandre Dumas

Respect Quotes

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– “Men are so willing to respect anything that bores them.” – Marilyn Monroe

– “An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

– “One who breaks an unjust law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

– “I submit that an individual who breaks the law that conscience tells him is unjust and willingly accepts the penalty by staying in jail to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the very highest respect for law.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

– “Property is intended to serve life, and no matter how much we surround it with rights and respect, it has no personal being. It is part of the earth man walks on. It is not man.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

– “If we lose love and self respect for each other, this is how we finally die.” – Maya Angelou

– “The fact that the adult American Negro female emerges a formidable character is often met with amazement, distaste and even belligerance. It is seldom accepted as an inevitable outcome of the struggle won by survivors, and deserves respect if not enthusiastic acceptance.” – Maya Angelou

– “Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced.” – Albert Einstein

– “If once you forfeit the confidence of your fellow-citizens, you can never regain their respect and esteem.” – Abraham Lincoln

– “If you have ten thousand regulations you destroy all respect for the law.” – Winston Churchill

– “The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.” – Winston Churchill

We do not covet anything from any nation except their respect.” – Winston Churchill

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.” – Mark Twain

Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.” – C. S. Lewis

– “We are more thoroughly an enlightened people, with respect to our political interests, than perhaps any other under heaven. Every man among us reads, and is so easy in his circumstances as to have leisure for conversations of improvement and for acquiring information.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “Football is like life – it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority.” – Vince Lombardi

– “Go up close to your friend, but do not go over to him! We should also respect the enemy in our friend.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

– “The bad gains respect through imitation, the good loses it especially in art.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

– “If being an egomaniac means I believe in what I do and in my art or music, then in that respect you can call me that… I believe in what I do, and I’ll say it.” – John Lennon

Courage Quotes

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– “We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
– “Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.” – Maya Angelou
– “My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.” – Maya Angelou
– “One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.” – Maya Angelou

– “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” – Maya Angelou

– “One man with courage is a majority.” – Thomas Jefferson

– “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex… It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” – Albert Einstein

– “Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today’s world do not have.” – Ronald Reagan

– “There are no easy answers’ but there are simple answers. We must have the courage to do what we know is morally right.” – Ronald Reagan

– “You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man’s initiative and independence.” – Abraham Lincoln

– “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” – Winston Churchill

– “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill

– “Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities… because it is the quality which guarantees all others.” – Winston Churchill

– “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” – Mark Twain

– “It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.” – Mark Twain

– “Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It’s courage that counts.” – John Wooden

– “Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?” – William Shakespeare

– “Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.” – C. S. Lewis

– “How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.” – John F. Kennedy

Joy Quotes

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– “When we are centered in joy, we attain our wisdom.” – Marianne Williamson

– “Remember to light the candle of joy daily and all the gloom will disappear from your life.” – Djwhal Khul

– “You have to sniff out joy. Keep your nose to the joy trail.” – Buffy Sainte-Marie

– “Joy is untouched by circumstance.” – Unknown

– “In thy presence is fullness of joy.” – Psalms 16:11

– “Joy is the echo of God’s life in us.” – Abbot Coumba Marmion

– “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” – Guatama Buddha

– “What I know for sure is that you feel real JOY in direct proportion to how connected you are to living your truth.” – Oprah

– “Joy springs from within; no one makes you joyous; you choose joyfulness.” – Unknown

– “Thou has made known to me the ways of life; thou shalt make me full of joy with thy countenance.” – Acts 2:28

– “True joy results when we become aware of our connectedness to everything.” – Paul Pearsall

– “Winning is important to me, but what brings me real joy is the experience of being fully engaged in whatever I’m doing.” – Phil Jackson

– “Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.” – Marcus Tullius Cicero

– “Joy is a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace – a connection to what matters.” – Oprah

– “Man loves because he is Love. He seeks Joy, for he is Joy. He thirsts for God for he is composed of God and he cannot exist without Him.” – Sathya Sai Baba

– “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.” – Mark Twain

– “Joy is not in things; it is in us.” – Richard Wagner

– “Joy is the highest expression of love.” – Abraham-Hicks

– “Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.” – Mother Teresa

– “Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” – Swedish proverb

Hair Quotes

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– “The hair is the richest ornament of women.” – Martin Luther

– “Hair brings one’s self-image into focus; it is vanity’s proving ground. Hair is terribly personal, a tangle of mysterious prejudices.” – Shana Alexander

– “Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.” – Unknown

– “It seems no more than right that men should seize time by the forelock, for the rude old fellow, sooner or later, pulls all their hair out.” – George Dennison Prentice, Prenticeana, 1860

– “What’s the matter with you guys? The sight of blonde hair knocks you three rungs down on the evolutionary ladder.” – From the television show Civil Wars

– “The great ages of prose are the ages in which men shave. The great ages of poetry are those in which they allow their beards to grow.” – Robert Lynd

– “Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.” – Kahlil Gibran

– “I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton

– “It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” – Raymond Chandler

– “Hair style is the final tip-off whether or not a woman really knows herself.” – Hubert de Givenchy, Vogue, July 1985

– “Babies haven’t any hair:
Old men’s heads are just as bare;
From the cradle to the grave
Lies a haircut and a shave.” – Samuel Goodman Hoffenstein

– “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing

– “Women…. Who made ’em? God must have been a… genius. Their hair. They say that the hair is everything, you know? Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls, and just wanted to go to sleep forever?” – Bo Goldman, “The Start of an Education”, made popular by the movie Scent of a Woman

– “When red headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.” – Mark Twain, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court

– “Those curious locks so aptly twin’d,
Whose every hair a soul doth bind.” – Thomas Carew

– “If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?” – Lily Tomlin

– “Long, beautiful, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen… I adore hair!” – James Rado and Gerome Ragni, Hair

– “Violet will be a good color for hair at just about the same time that brunette becomes a good color for flowers.” – Fran Lebowitz

– “Beauty draws us with a single hair.” – Alexander Pope

– “Gentlemen prefer blondes… but gentlemen marry brunettes.” – Anita Loos

50 funny quotes

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1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown

2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown

3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown

4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson

6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown

7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno

10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush

11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein

13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock

15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers

17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey

20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin

21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda

24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson

26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire

27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds

28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes

29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg

31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates

32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland

33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull

34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin

36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones

37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov

39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen

41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost

42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West

46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw

48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes

50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers