Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Category: Funny Quotes

Dilbert Quotes

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1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
6. I DON’T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, “where the heck is the ceiling?”
8. My reality cheque bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
14. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
16. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
25. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
26. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
27. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
28. If at first you don’t succeed……skydiving isn’t for you.
29. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
30. When everything is coming your way……you’re in the wrong lane.

Famous Humor Quotes

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“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?” – Dick Cavett

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. After all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.” – Dame Edna Everage

“That is the saving grace of humor. If you fail no one is laughing at you.” – A. Whitney Brown

“Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.” – Christopher Morely

“Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it.” – Salma Hayek

“The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” – E.B. White

“You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.” – W. Somerset Maugham

“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” – Frank Howard Clark

Famous and Funny Psychology Quotes

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– “Behavioral psychology is the science of pulling habits out of rats.” – Douglas Busch

– “Psychology is the science of the act of experiencing, and deals with the whole system of such acts as they make up mental life.” – Samuel Alexander

– “Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution.” – G.K. Chesterton

– “Like all science, psychology is knowledge; and like science again, it is knowledge of a definite thing, the mind.” – James M. Baldwin

– “A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.” – Paul Dudley White

– “The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy.” – Sigmund Freud

– “A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.” – Joey Adams

– “There are cases where psychoanalysis works worse than anything else. But who said that psychoanalysis was to be applied always and everywhere.” – C.G. Jung

– “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” – Ben Williams

– “Psychology keeps trying to vindicate human nature. History keeps undermining the effort.” – Mason Cooley

– “A wonderful discovery, psychoanalysis. Makes quite simple people feel they’re complex.” – S.N. Behrman

– “Psychology has a long past, but only a short history.” – Hermann Ebbinghaus

– “A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.” – Jerome Lawrence

– “The two main hazards of psychoanalysis: that it might fail, and that if it succeeds, you’ll never be able to forgive yourself for all those wasted years.” – Mignon McLaughlin

– “The purpose of psychology is to give us a completely different idea of the things we know best.” – Paul Valéry

– “Psychiatry is probably the single most destructive force that has affected the American society within the last fifty years.” – Thomas S. Szasz

– “Psychoanalysis can provide a theory of ‘progress,’ but only by viewing history as a neurosis.” – Norman O. Brown, Life Against Death

Funny Hater Quotes

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Behind every bitch is a man that made her that way

I hate two faced people. It’s hard to decide which face to slap first.

Sweetie, if your going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

I may look calm, but in my head, I’ve killed you three times.

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.

I love listening to lies, when I know the truth.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Dear Lord, please give me the strength to not slap an idiot today…Amen

Does this dress make me look fat? No, it’s the fat that makes you look fat.

If anybody sends me anymore farmville requests, I will burn your crops and destroy your animals!

Never take back what you say, turn your back and walk away!

Drama is made for movies, not reality!

Drama, lies, tears…teenage years.

Sorry…I’m not Rihanna. I don’t love the way you lie.

Love me, hate me, just think, you’re thinking of me!

You talk it. We live it. You’re jealous. Admit it.

It’s not my fault your man wants me.

My name must taste good! It’s always in someone’s mouth

Save the drama for your mama!

If you don’t like me – who the hell cares!

People will always talk about you… might as well give them something to talk about

Keep talkin: you’re making me famous!

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

If you don’t know me, THEN DON’T JUDGE ME! Nobody said you had to “love me”!

Speak well of your enemies – You were the one who made them!

To all you haters – Do what you do. I sure as hell ain’t gonna waste my time on YOU!

Hating on a certain name only gives them the fame.

Stephen Colbert Quotes

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“Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.”

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”

“If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.”

“Tomorrow you’re all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody’s high!”

“Equations are the devil’s sentences.”

“Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty!”

“It is a well know fact that reality has liberal bias”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.”

“There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.”

“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”

“I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.”

“Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult:If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.”

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”

“They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.”

“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.”

“I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

“You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?”

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

Funny Sarcastic Quotes

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“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.” – A. B. Evans

“You don’t say civilization don’t advance – for every war they kill you a new way.” – Will Rogers

“The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.” – Colin Jarman

“Critics are the stupid who discuss the wise.” – Anonymous

“A critic is a man who writes about things he doesn’t like” – Anonymous

“I love criticism just as long as it’s unqualified praise.” – Noel Coward

“A critic is a man created to praise greater men than himself, but he is never able to find them.” – Richard Le Gallienne

“The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.” – Oscar Wilde

“When an opera singer sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.” – Victor Borge

“The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.” – Roseanne Arnold

“The power with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech.” – George Bernard Shaw

“I know she is outspoken, but by who?” – Dorothy Parker

“You don’t know a woman, until you’ve met her in court.” – Norman Mailer

“Women are like elephants to me; they’re nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” – W.C. Fields

“Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friends.” – Marcel Achard

“A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” – Anonymous

“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”- Charlotte Whitton

“A man’s love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Adam came first, but men always do.” – Anonymous

“If they can put one man on the moon, why can’t they put them all there?” – Anonymous

“Women have their faults. Men have only two: Everything they say. Everything they do.” – Anonymous

“Japanese are extremely good imitators and they so polite, they even copy the mistakes.” – Earl Scrugge

“If you’re gong to Paris you would do well to remember this: no matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist in answering you in French.” – Fran Lebowits

Funny Wise Quotes

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change. – Unknown

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. –Henry Kissinger

The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open. – Unknown

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. – Unknown

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. – Albert Einstein

A person who can explain color to a blind man can explain everything in life. – Unknown

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. – George Bernard Shaw

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. –Albert Einstein

Funny Existential Quote

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Let me share with you a great funny existential quote by Mitch Hedberg:

“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck’s really goin’ on down there? Who is the real hero?” — Mitch Hedberg

Funny Hilarious Quotes

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– “They didn’t let me out, they just gave me a day pass.”

– “Anger is merely depression without enthusiasm.”

– “When God made man, she was only joking.”

– “I don’t drink; it dulls the drugs.”

– “God must love stupid people- he made so many!”

– “I like children. Properly cooked.”

– “Mirrors can’t talk. And lucky for you they can’t laugh.”

– “I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!”

– “Adults are just kids with money.”

– “TGIF- Thank God I’m female.”

– “Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.”

– “Keep honking! I’m reloading!”

– “Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.”

– “Do unto others before they do unto you.”

– “Nothing is illegal until you get caught.”

– “Be nice to your kids, they’ll chose your nursing home.”

– “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”

– “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

– “When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”

– “Men are idiots and I married their king.”

– “You can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.”

– “Behind every good man, there is a good woman. And behind every good woman, there’s another man looking at her butt.”

– “I see dumb people.”

– “Follow your dreams… except the one when you’re at school in your underwear.”

– “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

– “Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman.”

– “The more I know about men, the more I admire dogs.”

– “They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.”

– “Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.”

– “If it weren’t for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.”

– “Who died and made you Darth Vader?”

– “Too many freaks, not enough circus’s!”

– “Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill.”

– “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”

– “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!”

– “I’m not littering…. I’m donating to the earth.”

– “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.”

– “DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.”

– “Your child may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.”

– “Doctors say I have a multiple personality, but we don’t agree with that.”

– “Don’t judge a book by its movie.”

– “Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.”

– “My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.”

– “If you have something to say, raise your hand. Then place it over your mouth.”

– “Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.”

– “I’m the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.”

– “Boys will be boys … so will a lot of middle aged men.”

– “Why do people say “no offense” when they’re about to offend someone?”