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Witty Quotes

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Some of my favorite witty quotes just here, for you.

His mouth is a no-go area. It’s like kissing the Berlin Wall – Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry Kissinger

He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard. – Unknown

A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck. – Tom Shale on Robin Williams

If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog. – Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

God does not play dice with the universe. – Albert Einstien

She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy. – Dwight McDonald on Doris Day

If you can’t convince them, confuse them. – President Harry S Truman

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W C Fields

He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker. – S J Perelman on Groucho Marx

Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon. – Abbey Hoffman

Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder? – Don Rickles

Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese – Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe

The thief of bad gags. – Walter Winchell on Milton Berne

I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born – Ronald Reagan

He’s proof that there’s life after death. – Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan

Witty QuotesThe only genius with an IQ of 60. – Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol

He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund. – Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them. – Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. – Bob Wells

Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little. – Screen Tester on Fred Astaire

An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf. – Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper. – Rex Reed on Marlon Brando

He could start a row in an empty house – Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire? – Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve. – George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron. – Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics? – Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. – Shakespeare

Famous People Quotes #8

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“Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.” – Martin Fraquhar Tupper

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.” – Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

“It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“When ideas fail, words come in very handy.” – Goethe (1749-1832)

“In the end, everything is a gag.” – Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)

“The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.” – Lucille S. Harper

“You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.” – Walt Disney (1901-1966)

“He who hesitates is a damned fool.” – Mae West (1892-1980)

“Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.” – Gail Godwin

“University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.” – Henry Kissinger (1923-)

“The graveyards are full of indispensable men.” – Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

“You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.” – Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

“Behind every great fortune there is a crime.” – Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” – Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

“I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.” – General George Patton (1885-1945)

“Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

“I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.” – Katherine Cebrian

“I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.” – Steven Wright

“Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.” – Gioacchino Rossini (1792-1868)

“Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.” – Oliver Herford (1863-1935)

“I have read your book and much like it.” – Moses Hadas (1900-1966)

“The covers of this book are too far apart.” – Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

“Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.” – Flannery O’Connor (1925-1964)

“Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.” – Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

“Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.” – Voltaire (1694-1778)

“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.” – Mae West (1892-1980)

“I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.” – Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

“No Sane man will dance.” – Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

“Hell is a half-filled auditorium.” – Robert Frost (1874-1963)

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” – Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

“Vote early and vote often.” – Al Capone (1899-1947)

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.” – Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“Hell is other people.” – Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980)

“Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.” – Robert J. Oppenheimer (1904-1967) (citing from the Bhagavad Gita, after witnessing the world’s first nuclear explosion)

“Happiness is good health and a bad memory.” – Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)

“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.” – Thomas Jones

“You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” – Al Capone (1899-1947)

“The gods too are fond of a joke.” – Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

“Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.” – Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

“The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.” – Gloria Leonard

Optimism Quotes

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Being optimistic is one of the best thing you can do in your life. Life is easier and happier for an optimistic person. Let me show you some great optimism quotes to make you a more motivating day. Relax and enjoy.

Nothing lasts forever? Not even your troubles. – Arnold H Glasgow

Every exit is an entry somewhere. – Tom Stoppard

The world is full of cactus, but we don’t have to sit on it. – Will Foley

There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry Kissinger

Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness. – Mark Twain

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. – Albert Einstein

I would rather stay positive and get 60 percent good results than stay negative and get 100 percent bad results. – Joyce Meyer

The person who sends out positive thoughts activates the world around him positively and draws back to himslef positive results. – Norman Vincent Peale

We have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic. – Susan Jeffers

Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door. – Emily Dickinson

Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. – Emory Austin

If winter comes, can spring be far behind? – Percy Bysshe Shelley

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. – Helen Keller

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it. – Bill Cosby

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. – Frank A. Clark

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Unknown

Carry laughter with you wherever you go. – Hugh Sidey

If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane. – Jimmy Buffet

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. – Victor Hugo

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. – Max Eastman

If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old. – Edgar Watson Howe

Optimism and humor are the grease and glue of life. Without both of them we would never have survived our captivity. – Philip Butler

Optimists are nostalgic about the future. – Chicago Tribune

Optimism is the foundation of courage. – Nicholas Murray Butler

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope or confidence. – Helen Keller

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. – James Branch Cabell

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. – Winston Churchill

An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out? – Michel De Saint-Pierre

No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit. – Helen Keller

In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip. – Daniel L. Reardon

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute. – Gladys Bronwys Stern

Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there. – Norman Vincent Peale

Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses. – Alphonse Karr

Funny Wise Quotes

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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change. – Unknown

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. –Henry Kissinger

The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open. – Unknown

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. – Unknown

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. – Albert Einstein

A person who can explain color to a blind man can explain everything in life. – Unknown

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. – George Bernard Shaw

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. –Albert Einstein

Funny Humorous and Love Quotes

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Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up. – Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. – Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along. – Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. – La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. – Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars. – Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. – Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. – Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease. – Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all. – Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. – Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. – W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. – Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. – Woody Allen

Funny Love Quotes

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Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. – Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Anonymous

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty. – Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way. – Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires. – Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say! – Anonymous

You can’t buy love on eBay. – Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? – Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. – Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. – Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. – Cher

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries. – Cher

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying –
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying. – Dorothy Parker

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands. – Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. – Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise. – Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. – Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. – Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.” And she never did. – James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr

Never Regret Quotes

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I leave no trace of wings in the air, but I am glad I have had my flight. – Rabindranath Tagore

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. – The Buddha

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. – Lao Tzu

Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets. – Henry Kissinger

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Write your Sad times in Sand, Write your Good times in Stone. – George Bernard Shaw

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. – Anonymous

My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on. – Forrest Gump movie

I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence. – Publilius Syrus

I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end. – Drew Barrymore

Never regret anything you have done with a sincere affection; nothing is lost that is born of the heart. – Basil Rathbone

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. – Katherine Mansfield

It’s better to regret something you did than to regret something you didn’t do. – Anonymous

Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silence. – Will Henry

If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret. – Jim Carrey

Simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. – don Miguel Angel Ruiz

Speak when you are angry – and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret. – Laurence J. Peter

I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country. – Nathan Hale

Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle, Old Age a regret. – Benjamin Disraeli

Regrets and recriminations only hurt your soul. – Armand Hammer

Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness. – George Sand

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. – John Barrymore

What’s done is done. – William Shakespeare

For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, “It might have been”. – John Greenleaf Whittier

He who spends time regretting the past loses the present and risks the future. – Quevedo

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. – Oscar Wilde

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. – Oscar Wilde

Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can’t build on it – it’s only good for wallowing in. – Katherine Mansfield

As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do. – Zachary Scott

Famous People Quotes #5

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“Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.” – Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

“There’s a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I’m not there yet.” –Randy Pausch (1960-2008)

“It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.” – Carl Sagan (1934-1996)

“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.” – Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

“Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.” – Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

“There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.” – Frank Zappa

“Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” – Antoine de Saint Exupery

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov

“If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” – Carl Sagan (1934-1996)

“It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.” – G. B. Burgin

“Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.” – Auric Goldfinger, in “Goldfinger” by Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” – Jimi Hendrix

“A clever man commits no minor blunders.” – Goethe (1749-1832)

“Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.” – Richard Bach

“A witty saying proves nothing.” – Voltaire (1694-1778)

“Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.” – James Stephens (1882-1950)

“The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it’s their fault.” – Henry Kissinger (1923-)

“Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.” – Will Durant

“I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.” – Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)

“It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion.” – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

“If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.” – Mario Andretti

“I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure — that is all that agnosticism means.” – Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.

“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” – Henry Ford (1863-1947)

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” – Warren Zevon (1947-2003)

“There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.” – Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

“When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.” – Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

If you… #2

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– “If you can’t dance, don’t blame the dance floor.”

– “If you can’t laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century.”

– “If you can’t say something nice, become a reporter.”

– “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”

– “If you can’t sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It’s the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep.” – Dale Carnegie

– “If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles in the backside, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for two weeks.”

– “If you decide not to choose then you’ve already made the wrong choice!”

– “If you depend on others to make you happy, you will be endlessly disappointed.”

– “If you don’t do it, you’ll never know what would have happened if you had done it.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

– “If you don’t have time to do it right, you must have time to do it over.”

– “If you don’t know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.” – Henry Kissinger

– “If you don’t know where you’re going how do you expect to get there.”

– “If you don’t like something about yourself, change it. If you can’t change it, accept it.” – Ted Shackelford

– “If you don’t like the road you’re walking, pave another one.” – Dolly Parton

– “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”

– “If you don’t love, you can’t live; if you don’t live, you can’t love.” – Jason Benson

– “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”

– “If you don’t want your children to hear what you’re saying, pretend you’re speaking directly to them.”

– “If you do your best, don’t mind the rest.” – Irish Proverb

– “If you drop a white glove into the mud, the glove will get muddy but the mud will never get glovey.”

– “If you ever need a helping hand, there is one at the end of your arm.”

– “If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail.”

– “If you find a four-leaf clover, it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.”

– “If you follow in others footsteps you will never leave yours behind.”

– “If you gave me something I need more than you do, you’ve given me a gift; If you’ve given me something you need more than I do, you’ve gifted me with love.”

– “If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

– “If you give 100%, God will make up the difference!”

– “If you go out looking for friends, you’re going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.” – Zig Zigler

– “If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple.”

– “But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.” – George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

– “If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead, and a place to sleep…you are richer than 75% of this world.”

– “If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace…you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.”

– “If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart.” – Arab proverb

– “If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.” – Bette Davis

– “If you haven’t all the things that you want, be thankful for all the things that you don’t have that you didn’t want.”

– “If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.”