Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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War and Conflict Quotes

An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. – Gandhi

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. – Jimi Hendrix

War is always the choice of the chosen who will not have to fight. – Paul D. Hewson, aka Bono

Terror is the poor man’s war, war is the rich man’s terror. Ultimately, all wars will end either in annihilation or at the negotiating table. – Unknown

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb but can’t afford an air force. – William Blum

War and Conflict QuotesBecause I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist – pirate? . You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor. – St. Augustine

Kill a man, and you are an assassin. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone, and you are a god. – Jean Rostand

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man’s original virtue. It is through disobedience that progress has been made, through disobedience and through rebellion. – Oscar Wilde

Every war when it comes, or before it comes, is represented not as a war but as an act of self-defense against a homicidal maniac. – George Orwell

The compulsion to do good is an innate American trait. Only North Americans seem to believe that they always should, may, and actually can choose somebody with whom to share their blessings. Ultimately this attitude leads to bombing people into the acceptance of gifts. – Ivan Illich

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. – Isaac Asimov

Jack Handy Funny Quotes #2

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done “wiping?”

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Put on your seatbelt….. I wanna try something.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

Death is hereditary.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Jack Handy QuotesMultitasking – screwing up several things at once.

Arachibutyrophobia : fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said “Watch for Rocks.” Marta said it should read “Watch for Pretty Rocks.” I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke – just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, “Oh, you mean this?” and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Jack Handy Funny Quotes

Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

I bet it’s hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like “Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.”

Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out. “This is the fourth coat crushing this year”, said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake.

Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she could do it.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Jack Handy QuotesI hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

And after you’re real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I’d like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why do banks charge you an “insufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Best Funny Quotes

I’ve prepared for you a great list with best funny quotes of all time. Of course, the list could be larger, but you can help me to expand it.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

I reckon being ill as one of the great pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work till one is better.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

best funny quotes If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter

Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons

Decision Quotes

Every morning is a new beginning, a new chance for you to rewrite the story of your life. ~ Tina Su

Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. ~ Jim Horning

It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of someone elses life with perfection. ~ Bhagavad Gita

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I’d rather aim high and miss, than aim low and hit. ~ Les Brown

decision quotesIf you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise. ~ Robert Fritz

‘If only I had more money’ is the easiest way to postpone the intense self-examination and decision-making necessary to create a life of enjoyment – now and not later. ~ Tim Ferriss

When a question is posed ceremoniously, the universe responds. ~ Chinese Proverb

The secret of getting started is breaking your complex, overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. ~ Mark Twain

The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want. ~ Ben Stein

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Let’s make our day better with some great funny quotes and sayings. I will appreciate if you choose your favorite and write it in a comment. Thank you!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

funny quotes and sayingsI go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

I don’t fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you’re in prison.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating.

When you’re sober you think twice before you speak, but when you’re drunk you speak twice before you think.

Flirty Quotes

You can fall from the sky
You can fall from a tree
But the best way to fall
Is in love with me

If nothing lasts for ever, will you be my nothing?

Loving you is like breathing; How can I stop?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet but nothing compared to you.

I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.

The shortest word for me is I
The sweetest word for me is LOVE
The only one for me is YOU

I get the best feeling in the world when you say “Hi” or smile at me, because I know that even for a second that I’ve crossed your mind.

Let’s commit the perfect crime, I’ll steal your heart, and you steal mine.

Flirty Quotes Every morning I wake up happy because I know I’ll see you.

Every night I go home crying because I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see you again.

Did the sun just come out or did you just smile at me?

The spaces between your fingers are meant to be filled with mine.

It’s not my fault that I fell for you, you tripped me!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The sun is hot
And so are you

Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?

If your heart was a prison, I would like to be sentenced for life.

Is that love I see in your eyes, or merely a reflection of mine?

If someone was to write a story about my life, the climax would be when I met you.

Some say there are more. Some say everything in life is a wonder. But to me, There is only one… You!

Let’s not get engaged, not just yet.

Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I’ve done in my life.

If you were a tear I would never dare to cry. I might lose you!

My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot

From A to Z all that really matters is U and I.

Life Quotes

It takes as much courage to have tried and failed as it does to have tried and succeeded – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed- Dale Carnegie

To retaliate in kind would do nothing but intensify the existence of hate in the universe. Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough, and morality enough, to cut off the chain of hate. –Martin Luther King Jr

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. ~ Sophocles

People need love even when they don’t deserve it. ~ Nikki Ledbetter

I wonder how many people never get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to have- Fried Green Tomatoes

I don’t know. It’s like, there’s this person that you want to be for other people. To make them proud of you. And then there’s you. And sometimes it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. – Dawson’s Creek

Everyone can be okay, but it takes a real person to smile through the pain. – Michaela Marie

Courage is not defined by those who fought and did not fall … but those who fought, fell, and rose again. – Unknown

When you spend your life worrying about how others feel, you lose track of how you feel. – Unknown

I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision. – Eleanor Roosevelt

It’s impossible to please everyone so I suggest we all stop trying. – Jennifer Aniston

The world is so much better when you’re dreaming… – The Youth Ahead

When things are perfect, that’s when you need to worry most. – Drew Barrymore

If you tell the truth, you don’t have o remember anything- Mark Twain

Life QuotesSurround yourself with people you love being yourself with. – Unknown

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. – Buddha

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter –MLK Jr.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth- Benjamin Disraeli

Sometimes paper is the only thing that will listen to you. – Unknown

Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself. – Robert F. Bennett

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.- Bob Newhart

Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt. – Unknown

If you want to hear the truth, listen to the heart, because it doesn’t know how to lie- Gingerale

No matter the consequence those who are honest with themselves get further in life. – Unknown

Life is like fresh fallen snow, be careful where you walk, for every step will show. – Unknown

You never find yourself until you face the truth.- Pearl Bailey

Don’t put too much in any one person…they have a habit of taking more than you may be prepared to give. – Unknown

The most wasted day of all is that which we have not laughed. – Unknown

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. – Eleanor Roosevelt

What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life. – Leo Buscaglia

Once in a while it really hits people that they don’t have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.- Alan Keightley

If youre going to get in trouble for hitting someone, you might as well do it hard. – Unknown

Funny, sometimes it’s the smallest decistions that change your life forever. – Unknown

When I do something great, no one ever seems to remember, but when I do something wrong, no one can ever seem to forget. – Unknown

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to it. – Unknown

To be persuasive, we must be believable. To be believable, we must be credible. To be credible, we must be truthful.- Hellmut Walters

Truth isn’t always beauty, but the hunger for it is.- Nadine Gordimer

Learn to see things as they really are, not as we imagine they are. – Vernon Howard

There is no shame in finding someone else to be attractive, or good company. Even if they don’t like you, there is still no shame. If you happen to be fond of someone, and they’re not fond of you, it’s OK…You don’t have to wait and see if they’ll love you back. You can announce it…Joy in life comes from expressing ourselves, in taking risks and jumping in. Everyone is not going to like you. But you can like who you like.- Andrew Matthews

Inspiring Quotes on Friendship

“A true friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out” – Walter Winchell

“I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar”- Unknown

“It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew” – Henry Rollins

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer”-Ed Cunningham

“Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher” – Oprah Winfrey

“A friend is a person before whom I may think aloud” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

10 Funny Wisdom Quotes

“All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.” – H. L. Mencken

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.” – Anonymous

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” – Anonymous

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney

“I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller’s parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.” – New York City detective

“Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.” – Anonymous