Category: Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Posted on May 29, 2011 by

Let’s make our day better with some great funny quotes and sayings. I will appreciate if you choose your favorite and write it in a comment. Thank you!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

I don’t fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you’re in prison.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating.

When you’re sober you think twice before you speak, but when you’re drunk you speak twice before you think.

Funny Quotes

Posted on May 24, 2011 by

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex. – Jack Handey, “Deep Thoughts”

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you. – Jack Handey

I’ve developed a new philosophy…only dread one day at a time. – Charlie Brown

I might be in the basement. I’ll go upstairs and check.
We adore chaos because we love to produce order.
I don’t use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough. – M. C. Escher

Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don’t know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion. – Colonel Flagg

There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives. – Anon

I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking. – Katherine Cebrian

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. – Collis P. Huntingdon

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. – Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. – Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. – Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.” – Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If I ever get rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now. – Jack Handey

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door. – Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’ – Jack Handey

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. – Anon

Funny Life Quotes

Posted on May 14, 2011May 14, 2011 by

Life without fun is nothing. Let me share with you a great piece of Funny Life Quotes. Please choose your favorite and write it on comments section. Thanks! :)

Funny Life Quotes

“The road to success is always under construction.”

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin P. Jones

“I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.”

“Tell someone there are 300 billion stars in the universe and they’ll believe you. Tell them a bench has wet paint on it and they’ll have to touch it to be sure.” – Murphy’s Law

“If you think something small can’t make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.”

“The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it’s holding a parking ticket.”

“How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?”

“How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?” – Christy Whitehead

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” – Robert McCloskey

“The next time you think you’re perfect, try walking on water.”

“Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.”

“Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“Bad decisions make good stories.”

“How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?” – François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”

“People who snore always fall asleep first.”

“The trouble with, “A place for everything and everything in its place” is that there’s always more everything than places.” – Robert Brault

“No one is listening until you pass gas.”

“Life was so much easier when your clothes didn’t match and boys had cooties!”

“You’ve reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.”

This is you list of Funny Life Quotes. Can you tell us who was your favorite? Although, if you got another funny quote that is not on the list, please tell.

*photo via

Funny Quotes

Posted on May 11, 2011 by

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. – Groucho Marx

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat. – Erma Bombeck

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. – Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. – Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish. – Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. – Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. – Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly. – E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. – P. J. O’Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

Funny Anonymous Quotes

Posted on April 26, 2011 by

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

The word ‘studying’ was made up of two words originally – ‘students dying’.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

Funny Baseball Quotes

Posted on April 24, 2011April 23, 2011 by

Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes. ~Will Rogers (American Humorist)

Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. ~Mike Royko (Newspaper Columnist, Chicago)

If God wanted football played in the spring, he would not have invented baseball. ~Sam Rutigliano (Former National Football League Head Coach)

A baseball park is the one place where a man’s wife doesn’t mind his getting excited over somebody else’s curves. ~Brendan Francis

It’s no coincidence that female interest in the sport of baseball has increased greatly since the ballplayers swapped those wonderful old-time baggy flannel uniforms for leotards. ~Mike Royko

Baseball is reassuring. It makes me feel as if the world is not going to blow up. ~Sharon Olds (American Poet)

Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player. ~Author Unknown

Strikeouts are boring – besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls. More democratic. ~Bull Durham, Movie

Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal. ~George F. Will (American Newspaper Columnist, Writer, and Journalist)

Ninety feet between home plate and first base may be the closest man has ever come to perfection. ~Red Smith (American Sportswriter)

Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose-unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction. ~Robert Frost (Poet)

Don’t try this

Posted on April 3, 2011 by

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you – Arthur McAuliff

Funny Christmas Quotes

Posted on March 26, 2011 by

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Anonymous

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” – Anonymous

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” – Anonymous

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Anonymous

“Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.” – John Cleese, “Mony Python”

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck

Sarcastic Quotes

Posted on March 15, 2011March 15, 2011 by

If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.

He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil.

Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.

You were looking good from afar.. now you’re far from looking good.

I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.

I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Violence won’t solve anything….But it sure makes me feel good.

Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

Think I am sarcastic?
Watch me pretend to care!

That is the ugliest top Ive ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.

I don’t believe in plastic surgery,
But in your case,
Go ahead.

My loyalty cannot be brought, however, it can be rented.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.

Funny Proverbs and Sayings

Posted on March 9, 2011 by

Patience will come to those who wait for it.

Man who lives in glass house shouldn’t run naked.

Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon will find him in cathouse.

The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

If at first you don’t succeed, get new batteries.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

You never test the depth of a river with both feet.

An ideal mind is the best way to relax.

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.

Two’s a company, three’s the Musketeers.

Wise men don’t need advice. Fools won’t take it.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

It matters not what you do, as long as you are the best one doing it.

Never underestimate the power of termites.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you must blow your own nose.

A penny saved is not much

Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a Mister.