Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Inspirational Funny Quotes

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– “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and the lightening bug.” – Mark Twain

– “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

– “The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit.” – Rogers Hornsby

– “The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.” – German Proverb

– “The next best thing to winning is losing! At least you’ve been in the race.” – Nellie Hershey Tullis

– “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” – George Will

– “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon

– “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” – Sarah Brown

– “The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.” – Thomas Holcroft

Plagiarism Quotes

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– “Certainly the plagiarism, and dealing with the fallout of it, was the most difficult thing I’ve ever faced since I started writing.” – Nora Roberts

– “Composers shouldn’t think too much – it interferes with their plagiarism.” – Howard Dietz

– “I could tell you which writer’s rhythms I am imitating. It’s not exactly plagiarism, it’s falling in love with good language and trying to imitate it.” – Charles Kuralt

– “I think almost every newspaper in the United States has lost circulation due to the Internet. I also think the Internet will lead to a lot of plagiarism in journalism.” – Will McDonough

– “Ideas improve. The meaning of words participates in the improvement. Plagiarism is necessary. Progress implies it. It embraces an author’s phrase, makes use of his expressions, erases a false idea, and replaces it with the right idea.” – Guy Debord

– “If we steal thoughts from the moderns, it will be cried down as plagiarism; if from the ancients, it will be cried up as erudition.” – Charles Caleb Colton

– “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner

– “Mr. Fitzgerald, I believe that is how he spells his name, seems to believe that plagiarism begins at home.” – Zelda Fitzgerald

– “No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.” – Gilbert Gottfried

– “Taking something from one man and making it worse is plagiarism.” – George A. Moore

– “What is originality? Undetected plagiarism.” – Dean Inge

– “When you take stuff from one writer it’s plagiarism; but when you take it from many writers, it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner

Funny Humorous and Love Quotes

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Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up. – Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. – Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along. – Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. – La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. – Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars. – Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. – Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. – Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease. – Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all. – Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. – Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. – W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. – Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. – Woody Allen

Funny Cute Quotes

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– “Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns

– “If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance.” – United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

– “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.” – Homer Simpson

– “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” – Winston Churchill

– “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

– “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

– “Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.” – Joan Rivers

– “Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?” – Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

– “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown

– “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Globol

Charile Chaplin Funny Quotes

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sir_charles_chaplins– “I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.”
– “Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.”
– “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
– “We think too much and feel too little.”
– “Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.”
– “Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.”
– “The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury.”
– “All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.”
– “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world – not even our troubles.”

– “To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!”

– “That´s what all we are. Amateurs. We don´t live long enough to be anything else.”

– “In the end, everything is a gag.”

Benny Hill Quotes

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Benny-Hill-Posters– “Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” – Benny Hill
– “Roses are reddish/ Violets are bluish/ If it weren’t for Christmas/ We’d all be Jewish.” – Benny Hill
– “I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.” – Benny Hill
– “The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.” – Benny Hill
– “I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.” – Benny Hill

– “We have a little bit of everything. We have entertainment in the bar, a pool room and kids menus, we have a comedy club that has been going on for years and we always do something special with that on New Year’s Eve.” – Benny Hill

– “That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.” – Benny Hill

– “Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.” – Benny Hill

– “Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?” – Benny Hill

Funny Love Quotes

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Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. – Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Anonymous

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty. – Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way. – Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires. – Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say! – Anonymous

You can’t buy love on eBay. – Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? – Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. – Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. – Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. – Cher

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries. – Cher

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying –
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying. – Dorothy Parker

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands. – Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. – Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise. – Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. – Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. – Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.” And she never did. – James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr

Robin Williams Funny Quotes

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robin-williams– “Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.” – Robin Williams
– “What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.” – Robin Williams
– “God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.” – Robin Williams
– “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
– “No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.” – Robin Williams
– “Spring is nature’s way of saying, Let’s party!” – Robin Williams

– “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” – Robin Williams

– “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” – Robin Williams

– “Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!” – Robin Williams

– “I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.” – Robin Williams

– “Sometimes you’ve got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It’s called fun.” – Robin Williams

Famous and Funny Quotes

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– “The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once” – E. Joseph Cossman

– “Gray hair is God’s graffiti” – Bill Cosby

– “I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead” – Gabe Kaplan

– “Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris” – T. G. Appleton

– “We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back” – Bob Hope

– “I know lots more old drunks than old doctors” – Joe E. Lewis

– “My doctor said I look like a million dollars – green and wrinkled” – Red Skelton

– “Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus” – Bob Rubin

– “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill, he gave me six months more” – Walter Mattbau

– “I can’t believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest” – Steven Pearl

– “she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off.
he: I was, and I didn’t know it” – Jacob Braude
– “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband” – Michel de Montaigne

Extremely Funny Quotes

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Unknown

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … – Louis Hector Berlioz

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. – Unknown

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Unknown

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. – Unknown

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected! – Unknown

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Unknown

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Unknown

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from. – Unknown

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. – Unknown

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith