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Funny Love Quotes

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Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. – Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Anonymous

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty. – Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way. – Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires. – Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say! – Anonymous

You can’t buy love on eBay. – Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? – Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. – Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. – Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. – Cher

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries. – Cher

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying –
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying. – Dorothy Parker

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands. – Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. – Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise. – Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. – Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. – Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.” And she never did. – James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr

Break Up Quotes

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Everyone tells me I should forget about you, you don’t deserve me. They’re right, you don’t deserve me, but I deserve you. – Anonymous

A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it. – Anonymous

I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was. – Anonymous

Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him. – Anonymous

It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does. – Anonymous

Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult. – Anonymous

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew. – Anonymous

It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye. – Anonymous

The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live. – Anonymous

Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours. – Anonymous

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop. – Anonymous

The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up. – Anonymous

When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. You are no longer alive. – Anonymous

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you. – Anonymous

Sometimes the person you really need is the one you didn’t think you wanted. – Anonymous

The hardest part of loving someone is knowing when to let go, and knowing when to say goodbye. – Anonymous

They say loving you gives pains and full of sacrifices But I’ll rather take pains and lots of sacrifices than not to be love by you. – Aaron

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. – Anonymous

If you really love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours, if not it wasn’t meant to be. – Anonymous

To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten. – Thomas Chandler

Every happy couple has a breakup in their past. – Anonymous

No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends. – Oscar Wilde

They say nothing last forever. So this pain will pass. – Anonymous

The heart was made to be broken. – Oscar Wilde

I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes. You’d know what a drag it is to see you. – Bob Dylan

Never Regret Quotes

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I leave no trace of wings in the air, but I am glad I have had my flight. – Rabindranath Tagore

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. – The Buddha

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. – Lao Tzu

Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets. – Henry Kissinger

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Write your Sad times in Sand, Write your Good times in Stone. – George Bernard Shaw

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. – Anonymous

My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on. – Forrest Gump movie

I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence. – Publilius Syrus

I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end. – Drew Barrymore

Never regret anything you have done with a sincere affection; nothing is lost that is born of the heart. – Basil Rathbone

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. – Katherine Mansfield

It’s better to regret something you did than to regret something you didn’t do. – Anonymous

Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silence. – Will Henry

If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret. – Jim Carrey

Simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. – don Miguel Angel Ruiz

Speak when you are angry – and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret. – Laurence J. Peter

I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country. – Nathan Hale

Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle, Old Age a regret. – Benjamin Disraeli

Regrets and recriminations only hurt your soul. – Armand Hammer

Know how to give without hesitation, how to lose without regret, how to acquire without meanness. – George Sand

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. – John Barrymore

What’s done is done. – William Shakespeare

For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, “It might have been”. – John Greenleaf Whittier

He who spends time regretting the past loses the present and risks the future. – Quevedo

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. – Oscar Wilde

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. – Oscar Wilde

Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can’t build on it – it’s only good for wallowing in. – Katherine Mansfield

As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do. – Zachary Scott

Life Quotes

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«Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.» — Albert Einstein

«There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.» — Albert Schweitzer

«Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.» — Alice Walker

«A useless life is an early death.» — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

«Life is short, but there is always time enough for courtesy.» — Ralph Waldo Emerson

«A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.» — Robert Frost

«The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.» — Willa Cather

«When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers.» — Colleen C. Barrett

«The world is filled with willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.» — Robert Frost

«Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world.» — Jane Addams

«The decay of Logic results from an] untroubled assumption that the particular is real and the universal is not.» — C.S. Lewis

«Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good, behave yourself and never mind the rest.» — Beatrix Potter

«And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.» — Martin Luther King Jr.

«An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.» — Martin Luther King Jr.

«Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.» — Gloria Steinem

«Onward and Upward! To Narnia and the North!» — C.S. Lewis

«What affects one in a major way, affects all in a minor way.» — Martin Luther King Jr.

«To live is Christ, to die is gain Php 1:21» — Various

«Respect for self is the beginning of cultivating virtue in men and women.» — Gordon B. Hinckley

«Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it.» — L.M. Montgomery

«…it (feminism) is mixed up with a muddled idea that women are free when they serve their employers but slaves when they help their husbands.» — G.K. Chesterton

«All you need is trust and a little bit of pixie dust!» — J.M. Barrie

«Anything that makes weak – physically, intellectually and spiritually, reject it as poison.» — Swami Vivekananda

«Failure? I never encountered it. All I ever met were temporary setbacks.» — Dottie Walters

«A hero cannot be a hero unless in a heroic world.» — Nathaniel Hawthorne

«Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.» — Ralph Waldo Emerson

«There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.» — Paul Graham

«One should become the master of one’s mind rather than let one’s mind master him.» — Nichiren Daishonin

«There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep and still be counted as warriors.» — Adrienne Rich

«Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.» — Oscar Wilde

«Prayers said by good people are always good prayers» — Willa Cather

«Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.» — Les Brown

«I have no time to justify you, fool, youre blind, step aside from me» — Dave Matthews Band

«Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.» — Robert Frost

Clever Quotes

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Funny Clever Quotes

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

I intend to live forever, or die trying. – Groucho Marx

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. – Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. – W. C. Fields

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. – Groucho Marx

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. – Mark Twain

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. – W. C. Fields

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

Too clever is dumb.- Ogden Nash

Clever Quotes on Life

Life is too important to be taken seriously. – Oscar Wilde

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. – Benjamin Franklin

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin Franklin

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. – John Lennon

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Anonymous

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment is intuition. – Jalal al-Din Rumi

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. – Robert A. Heinlein

A clever man commits no minor blunders. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Quotes about Life

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. – H. L. Mencken

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. – Albert Schweitzer

Old age is fifteen years older than I am. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it. – Israel Zangwill

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. – Walter Kerr

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe. – Albert Einstein

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. – John Peel

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! – Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

If you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. – Mel Brooks

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. – sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson, but…

Clever Quotes for Facebook

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? – H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – H. L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. – H. L. Mencken

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Sayings for Facebook

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. – Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache. – Mae West

Clever Sayings

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. – Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there’s no one watching you. – Tom Lehrer

The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. – Will Rogers

Clever Phrases

To the best of my knowledge the following clever phrases are all anonymous. Come to think of it, would anyone really admit to writing any of these clever phrases?

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I love my attitude problem.

Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.

Join the Army, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them.

When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.

Half the people you know are below average.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Clever Sayings and Quotes

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less. – Lily Tomlin

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. – Oscar Wilde

Get the facts first. You can distort them later. – Mark Twain

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. – Oscar Wilde

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. – Oscar Wilde

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. – Mark Twain

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies. – Oscar Wilde

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

Thank You Quotes

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“I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you my heart has no bottom.” – Anonymous

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”” – William Arthur Ward

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Ward

“When eating bamboo sprouts, remember the man who planted them.” – Chinese Proverb

“For your thoughtfulness and generosity, from you I have learned much of life’s philosophy Thank you sincerely.” – Anonymous

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” – Marcel Proust

“To the generous mind the heaviest debt is that of gratitude, when it is not in our power to repay it.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” – John F. Kennedy

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. – G.K. Chesterton

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” – Oscar Wilde

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.” – Cicero

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” – Mark Twain

“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.” – Lionel Hampton

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” – Voltaire

Romantic Love Quotes

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Love them as they are, and forgive them everything. – Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Your love is more powerful than your words or your actions. – Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and you. – Omar Khayyam

Thy Return is as another Sun to Heaven; a new Rose blooming in the Garden of the Soul. – Omar Khayyam

Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me? – Oscar Hammerstein II (Cinderella)

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. – Khalil Gibran

And think not, you can direct the course of love; for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. – Khalil Gibran

Sow a seed and the earth will yield you a flower.
Dream your dream to the sky and it will bring you your beloved. – Khalil Gibran

Love is the veil between lover and lover. – Khalil Gibran

If I never met you, I wouldn’t like you.
If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t love you.
If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you.
But I did, I do, and I will. – Anonymous

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain. – William Shakespeare

Love is blind. – William Shakespeare

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel. – Anonymous

You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear. – Anonymous

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. – Anonymous

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. – Aristotle

Love is like a butterfly, it settles upon you when you least expect it. – Anonymous

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it. – Swedish Proverb

Love sought is good, but given unsought is better. – William Shakespeare

True love has no limits. – Anonymous

To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world. – Brandi Snyder

Who, being loved, is poor? – Oscar Wilde

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. – Judy Garland

When love is not madness, it is not love. – Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Brief is life but love is long. – Alfred Lord Tennyson

I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. – Roy Croft

All you need is love. – John Lennon

Don’t fall for looks, they can deceive. Don’t fall for wealth, in the end it fades away. Find someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. – Anonymous

Lord, grant that I might not so much seek to be loved as to love. – St. Francis of Assisi

Famous Quotes and Sayings

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There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. – Albert Einstein

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. – Helen Keller

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened. – Lao Tzu

Happiness depends upon ourselves. – Aristotle

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. – John F. Kennedy

People only see what they are prepared to see. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. – John Lennon

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. – Judy Garland

We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. – George Bernard Shaw

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. – Mark Twain

All things share the same breath – the beast, the tree, the man… the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports. – Chief Seattle

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. – Mother Teresa

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. – Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter. – Marlene Dietrich

Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning. – Joseph Campbell

What we think, we become. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world. – The Buddha

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. – Erica Jong

The best things in life are free. – Anonymous

Attitude is everything. – Anonymous

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.- Anonymous

Life is what you make of it. – Anonymous

Where there is a will, there is a way. – Anonymous

Every cloud has a silver lining. – Anonymous

Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation. – Dale Carnegie

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. – Oscar Wilde

Funny Quotes to make you laugh

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Men are like steel; both are worthless when they loose their temper. — Source Unknown

What if “the hokey pokey” is REALLY what it’s all about? — Curtis Spencer

We are the people our parents warned us about. — Jimmy Buffett

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others. — Groucho Marx

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does. — Source Unknown

USA Today has come out with a new survey-apparently, three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. — Dave Letterman

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R. — Dennis Miller

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. — Albert Einstein

Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain’t that a big enough majority in any town? — Mark Twain

A good metaphor is something even the police should keep an eye on. — G. C. Lichtenberg

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. — Mark Twain

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. — Groucho Marx

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building. — Charles Shulz

Convent. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness. — Ambrose Bierce

I adore political parties. They are the only place left to us where people don’t talk politics. — Oscar Wilde

Plagiarists at least have the quality of preservation. — Benjamin Disraeli

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. — Mahatma Gandhi

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy — the mother. — Claudette Colbert

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Flip Wilson

I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them. — Mark Twain

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another. — Source Unknown

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. — Groucho Marx

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain’t so. — Mark Twain

He has not a single redeeming defect. — Benjamin Disraeli

When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory. — John Mortimer

Last night the creative juices were flowing but today I am merely a vast wasteland of random thoughts. — Peckeroy

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. — Groucho Marx

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well. — Len Deighton

My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a director. — Cole Porter

He believes that marriage and a career don’t mix. So after the wedding he plans to quit his job. — Source Unknown

Education Quotes

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# “I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.” — Edith Ann, [Lily Tomlin]

# “You teach best what you most need to learn.” — Richard David Bach

# A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimensions. – Anonymous

# A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. – Anonymous

# A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. – John Ciardi

# A university professor set an examination question in which he asked what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an A+ to a student who answered: I don’t know and I don’t care. – Richard Pratt, Pacific Computer Weekly, 20 July 1990

# “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.” — (Louis) Hector Berlioz

# Academy: A modern school where football is taught. – Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) – The Devil’s Dictionary, 1911

# An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. – Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

# Education … has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading. – G. M. Trevelyan

# Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. – Laurence J. Peter

# An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. – Nicholas Murray Butler

# Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. – Will Durant

# Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

# Experience is a good school, but the fees are high. – Heinrich Heine

# Experience is a great advantage. The problem is that when you get the experience, you’re too damned old to do anything about it. – Jimmy Connors

# Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. – Aldous Huxley

# “Who dares to teach must never cease to learn.” – John Cotton Dana

# “A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.” – Henry Brooks Adams

# “What we want is to see the child in pursuit of knowledge, and not knowledge in pursuit of the child.” –George Bernard Shaw

# “Good teachers are those who know how little they know. Bad teachers are those who think they know more than they don’t know.” – R. Verdi

# “Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.”
— Perelman

# “Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” – Albert Einstein

# “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” – Mark Twain

# “Education is not the answer to the question. Education is the means to the answer to all questions.” – William Allin

# “Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.” – Vernon Law

# “I may have said the same thing before… But my explanation, I am sure, will always be different.” – Oscar Wilde

# “Anyone can steer the ship when the sea is calm.” – Publilius Syrus