Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Tag: Mark Twain

Inspirational Funny Quotes

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– “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and the lightening bug.” – Mark Twain

– “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

– “The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit.” – Rogers Hornsby

– “The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.” – German Proverb

– “The next best thing to winning is losing! At least you’ve been in the race.” – Nellie Hershey Tullis

– “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” – George Will

– “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon

– “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” – Sarah Brown

– “The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.” – Thomas Holcroft

Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain Hilarious Quotes

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I love hilarious quotes, especially from great people, like Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde. Let me share with you some of them:

“A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” – Oscar Wilde

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde

“Journalism is unreadable, literature is never read.” – Oscar Wilde

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” –Oscar Wilde

“A true friend stabs you in the front.”-Oscar Wilde

“It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one’s enemies. It is the successes of one’s friends that are hard to bear.” – Oscar Wilde

“Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” – Oscar Wilde

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” – Oscar Wilde

“I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“Conscience and cowardice are really the same things.” – Oscar Wilde

“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” –Oscar Wilde

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde

“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” – Oscar Wilde

“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.” – Oscar Wilde

“One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything.” – Oscar Wilde

“No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.” – Oscar Wilde

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” – Oscar Wilde

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain

“When angry count four; when very angry, swear.” – Mark Twain

“Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest.” – Mark Twain

“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.” – Mark Twain

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” – Mark Twain

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” –Mark Twain

“In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.” – Mark Twain

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” –Mark Twain

“Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.” – Mark Twain

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

“It is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” – Mark Twain

Extremely Funny Quotes

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Unknown

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … – Louis Hector Berlioz

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. – Unknown

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Unknown

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. – Unknown

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected! – Unknown

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Unknown

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Unknown

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from. – Unknown

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. – Unknown

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith

Deep Life Quotes

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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. – Mark Twain

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact. – William James

To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform. – Theodore H. White

It is our choices … that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. – J. K. Rowling (Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets)

When the best leader’s work is done the people say, “We did it ourselves.” – Lao Tzu

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. – Anonymous

Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices – just recognize them. – Edward R. Murrow

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage. – Anais Nin

There is no passion to be found playing small in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
– Nelson Mandela

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. – Confucius

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. – John F. Kennedy

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. – Meister Eckhart

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Honesty Quotes

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It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. ~Henry Louis Mencken, A Little Book in C Major, 1916

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. ~Mark Twain

Who lies for you will lie against you. ~Bosnian Proverb

No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar. ~Abraham Lincoln

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure there is one less rascal in the world. ~Thomas Carlyle

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb

A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet, strangely and beautifully, rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape and left out the lie. ~Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind. ~Austin O’Malley

A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent. ~William Blake, “Auguries of Innocence,” Poems from the Pickering Manuscript

The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold. ~Aristotle

The most dangerous untruths are truths moderately distorted. ~Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Dare to be true: nothing can need a lie: A fault, which needs it most, grows two thereby. ~George Herbert

With lies you may get ahead in the world – but you can never go back. ~Russian proverb

Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain’t lawful tender for a loaf of bread. ~Josh Billings

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff. ~Ambrose Bierce

A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. ~Edgar J. Mohn

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback. ~Bill Copeland

Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it. ~Mark Twain

Honesty is never seen sitting astride the fence. ~Lemuel K. Washburn, Is The Bible Worth Reading And Other Essays, 1911

A lie may take care of the present, but it has no future. ~Author Unknown

We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams

Truth fears no questions. ~Unknown

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth – anonymously and posthumously. ~Thomas Sowell

Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. ~Thomas Jefferson

Smile Quotes

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Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. ~ Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

A smile confuses an approaching frown. ~Author Unknown

People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile. ~Lee Mildon

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. ~Phyllis Diller

Smile. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over. ~Walter Anderson, The Confidence Course, 1997

The world always looks brighter from behind a smile. ~Author Unknown

Start every day with a smile and get it over with. ~W.C. Fields

Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available. ~Jim Beggs

A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. ~Charles Gordy

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain, Following the Equator

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello

A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you’re at home. ~Author Unknown

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. ~Andy Rooney

If you smile at someone, they might smile back. ~Author Unknown

Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it. ~Author Unknown

Always remember to be happy because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile. ~Author Unknown

Everyone smiles in the same language. ~Author Unknown

If you don’t have a smile, I’ll give you one of mine. ~Author Unknown

I’ve never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful. ~Author Unknown

Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles. ~George Eliot

She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket. ~Raymond Chandler

Smiling is infectious,
You can catch it like the flu.
Someone smiled at me today,
And I started smiling too. ~Author Unknown

A smile appeared upon her face as if she’d taken it directly from her handbag and pinned it there. ~Loma Chandler

A laugh is a smile that bursts. ~Mary H. Waldrip

Smile – sunshine is good for your teeth. ~Author Unknown

Clever Quotes

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Funny Clever Quotes

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

I intend to live forever, or die trying. – Groucho Marx

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. – Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. – W. C. Fields

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. – Groucho Marx

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. – Mark Twain

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. – W. C. Fields

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

Too clever is dumb.- Ogden Nash

Clever Quotes on Life

Life is too important to be taken seriously. – Oscar Wilde

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. – Benjamin Franklin

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin Franklin

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. – John Lennon

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Anonymous

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment is intuition. – Jalal al-Din Rumi

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. – Robert A. Heinlein

A clever man commits no minor blunders. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Quotes about Life

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. – H. L. Mencken

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. – Albert Schweitzer

Old age is fifteen years older than I am. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it. – Israel Zangwill

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. – Walter Kerr

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe. – Albert Einstein

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. – John Peel

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! – Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

If you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. – Mel Brooks

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. – sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson, but…

Clever Quotes for Facebook

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? – H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – H. L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. – H. L. Mencken

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Sayings for Facebook

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. – Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache. – Mae West

Clever Sayings

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. – Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there’s no one watching you. – Tom Lehrer

The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. – Will Rogers

Clever Phrases

To the best of my knowledge the following clever phrases are all anonymous. Come to think of it, would anyone really admit to writing any of these clever phrases?

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I love my attitude problem.

Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.

Join the Army, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them.

When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.

Half the people you know are below average.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Clever Sayings and Quotes

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less. – Lily Tomlin

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. – Oscar Wilde

Get the facts first. You can distort them later. – Mark Twain

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. – Oscar Wilde

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. – Oscar Wilde

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. – Mark Twain

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies. – Oscar Wilde

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

Thank You Quotes

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“I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you my heart has no bottom.” – Anonymous

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”” – William Arthur Ward

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Ward

“When eating bamboo sprouts, remember the man who planted them.” – Chinese Proverb

“For your thoughtfulness and generosity, from you I have learned much of life’s philosophy Thank you sincerely.” – Anonymous

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” – Marcel Proust

“To the generous mind the heaviest debt is that of gratitude, when it is not in our power to repay it.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” – John F. Kennedy

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. – G.K. Chesterton

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” – Oscar Wilde

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues.” – Cicero

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” – Mark Twain

“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.” – Lionel Hampton

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” – Voltaire

Laughs Quotes

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There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. – Steven Wright

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. – Dave Barry

It’s hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women. – Scott Adams

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. – A Bit of Fry and Laurie

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: Fighting, fleeing, feeding and… mating. – Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. – Mark Twain

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. – William James

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? – Dick Cavett

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? – Unknown

Nice Quotes

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He who is contented is rich. – Lao Tzu

Earth laughs in flowers.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared. – The Buddha

Happiness depends upon ourselves. – Aristotle

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are. – Marianne Williamson

As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others. – Marianne Williamson

Be gentle first with yourself. – Lama Yeshe

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. – Franklin D. Roosevelt

As we light a path for others, we naturally light our own way. – Mary Anne Radmacher

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass…
It’s about learning how to dance in the rain. – Vivian Greene

We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how to respond to them. – Epictetus

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. – Helen Keller

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. – Mark Twain

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. – Confucius

From caring comes courage. – Lao Tzu

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. – Maimonides

Always be a first-rate version of yourself,
instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. – Judy Garland

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. – Lee Ann Womack