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Top 20 Dwight Schrute Quotes

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When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

I don’t care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.

I don’t believe you, continue.

Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

The eyes are the groin of the head.

My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man

Before I do anything I ask myself “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.

Dwight Schrute QuotesYou know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed.

Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.

There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule #17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.

I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

Question…
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.

How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…

I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.

The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

20 Homer Simpson Quotes on Parenting

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Homer Simpson Quotes1.) “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.”

2.) “OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”

3.) “No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American Way.”

4.) “I don’t apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that’s the way I am.”

5.) “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

6.) “The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else…”

7.) “I have to work overtime at work instead of spending time with my wife and kids, which is what I want.”

8.) “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.”

9.) “Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”

10.) “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

11.) “Kids are great, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves now-a-days, you know, with the internet and all.”

12.) “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

13.) “Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.”

14.) “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. ”

15.) “Movies are the only escape from the drudgery of work and family … No offense.”

16.) “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.”

17.) “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”

18.) “Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential murderers.”

19.) “Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. ”

20.) “Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.”

10 Funny Wisdom Quotes

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“All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.” – H. L. Mencken

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.” – Anonymous

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” – Anonymous

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney

“I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller’s parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.” – New York City detective

“Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.” – Anonymous

Cute Friendship Quotes

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I almost forgot what great pleasure is to share cute friendship quotes, but now we can recover :)

Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend. – Albert Camus

Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure. – Jewish Saying

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. – Aristotle

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway. – Fr. Jerome Cummings

Remember, the greatest gift is not found in a store nor under a tree, but in the hearts of true friends. – Cindy Lew

The only way to have a friend is to be one. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief. – Swedish Proverb

The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend. – Abraham Lincoln

Hold a true friend with both your hands. – Nigerian Proverb

Friendship needs no words… – Dag Hammarskjold

A faithful friend is the medicine of life. – Apocrypha

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same. – Anonymous

Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. – Elbert Hubbard

Friendship is the golden thread that ties the heart of all the world. – John Evelyn

Friendship multiplies the good of life and divides the evil. – Baltasar Gracian

Friends are the sunshine of life. – John Hay

The best mirror is an old friend. – George Herbert

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. – Walter Winchell

Friends are needed both for joy and for sorrow. – Samuel Paterson

A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails. – Anonymous

I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or better than friendship. – Pietro Aretino

One who looks for a friend without faults will have none. – Hasidic Saying

Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find one good you must one hundred try. – Claude Mermet

Count your age with friends but not with years. – Anonymous

Plant a seed of friendship; reap a bouquet of happiness. – Lois L. Kaufman

There is nothing worth the wear of winning, but laughter and the love of friends. – Hillaire Belloc

Missing You Quotes

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Are you missing someone? Let me share with you some great missing you quotes to impress that person you are missing.

Time goes by a lot slower when you miss the one you love. – Anonymous

It’s true we don’t know what we’ve got until its gone, but we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. – Anonymous

In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged. – Hans Nouwens

Each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you looked up at the sky and found it dark with no stars, it is all your fault. You made me miss you too much! – Anonymous

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else. – Anonymous

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. – Anonymous

Life is so short, so fast the lone hours fly, We ought to be together, you and I. – Anonymous

Cause I love you and I miss you, hearing your voice is the closest thing to touching you. – Anonymous

I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you. – Anonymous

I’m a fish out of water without you. – Anonymous

A day without you is like a day without sunshine… I miss you… – Anonymous

Love reckons hours for months, and days for years; and every little absence is an age. – Anonymous

Love is missing someone whenever you’re apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you’re close in heart. – Anonymous

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you. – Anonymous

Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too. – Anonymous

I knew that looking back on the tears would make me laugh but i never knew that looking back on the laughs would bring tears. – Cheryl

You may be out of my sight but never out of my mind. I Miss You! – Anonymous

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – Anonymous

I feel bad when you miss me, I feel sad when you don’t. – Juanita

When I see your smile, and I know it’s not for me, that’s when I’ll miss you. – Anonymous

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. – Lamartine

When I go away from you The world beats dead Like a slackened drum. – Amy Lowell

The joy of meeting pays the pangs of absence; else who could bear it? – Nicholas Rowe

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. – American Proverb

A hug for you means I need you. A kiss for you means I love you. A call for you means I’m missing you. – Beth Obedoza

Sarcastic Quotes

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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn’t get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Sweet Quotes to Say to Someone Special

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I know that all of us always wanted to impress special persons in our lifes. Today, I’m gonna show you some great sweet quotes to say to someone special. At the end, please tell me your opinion about these quotes. Thanks :)

When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams. ~ Dr Seans

A Friend is a treasure.
More precious than Gold,
For love shared is priceless
And never grows old. ~ Unknown Author

Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart. ~ Unknown Author

I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. ~ Roy Croft

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.~ Unknown Author

Where there is great love, there are always wishes.~ Unknown Author

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. ~ Plato

Some of the greater things in life are unseen thats why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream… ~ Unknown Author

Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend. ~ Albert Camus

You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. ~ Unknown Author

A man cannot reason with the woman he loves: he cares about her too much. ~ Unknown Author

As we grow older together, As we continue to change with age, There is one thing that will never change…I will always keep falling in love with you. ~ Karen

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you. ~ Winnie the Pooh

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. ~ Winnie the Pooh

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart. ~ Unknown Author

The best thing about me is you. ~ Shannon Crown

Life in abundance comes only through great love. ~ Elbert GreenHubbard

Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity. ~ Unknown Author

If I never met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t love you. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do, and I will. ~ Unknown Author

Love means never having to say you are sorry. ~ Erich Sehgal (from book Love Story)

Some love lasts a lifetime. True love lasts forever. ~ Unknown Author

We can not do great things. We can only do little things with great love. ~ Mother Teresa

Aging Quote

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Sometimes we are sad because we get old and we think that our life is about to end. Every second of thinking like that represent a mistake. We are wrong when we try to characterize life in this way. Let me show you a great Abe Lincoln Aging Quote.

“It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in you uears!” – Abe Lincoln

Aging Quotes

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# Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone. – Jim Fiebig

# Age has extremely little to do with anything that matters. The difference between one age and other is, as a rule, enormously exaggerated. – Rose McCaulay (Dangerous Ages)

# Age is no barrier. It’s a limitation you put on your mind. – Jackie Joyner-Kersee

# Age is of no importance unless you are a cheese. – Billie Burke

# Age puzzles me. I thought it was a quiet time. My seventies were interesting and fairly serene, but my eighties are passionate. I grow more intense as I age. – Florida Scott-Maxwell

# The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. – Doug Larson

# Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old. – Franz Kafka

# Anyone who stops learning is old, whether this happens at twenty or eight. Anyone who keeps on learning not only remains young, but becomes constantly more valuable regardless of physical capacity. – Harvey Ullman

# At age 20, we worry about what others think of us.
At 40, we don’t care what they think of us.
At 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking about us at all. – Jock Falkson

# The belief that youth is the happiest time of life is founded on a fallacy. The happiest person is the person who thinks the most interesting thoughts and we grow happier as we grow older. – William Lyon Phelps

# Children are a great comfort in your old age–and they help you reach it faster, too. – Lionel Kauffman

# The excitement of learning separates youth from old age. As long as you’re learning you’re not old. – Rosalyn S. Yalow

# Denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood. – Logan Pearsall Smith

# A friend of Oliver Wendell Holmes asked him why he had take up the study of Greek at the age of ninety-four. Holmes replied, “Well, my good sir, it’s now or never.” – Quoted in He Still Moves Stones by Lucado