Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Funny Anonymous Quotes

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

The word ‘studying’ was made up of two words originally – ‘students dying’.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

Funny Christmas Quotes

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Anonymous

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” – Anonymous

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” – Anonymous

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Anonymous

“Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.” – John Cleese, “Mony Python”

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck

Funny Proverbs and Sayings

Patience will come to those who wait for it.

Man who lives in glass house shouldn’t run naked.

Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon will find him in cathouse.

The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

If at first you don’t succeed, get new batteries.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

You never test the depth of a river with both feet.

An ideal mind is the best way to relax.

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.

Two’s a company, three’s the Musketeers.

Wise men don’t need advice. Fools won’t take it.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

It matters not what you do, as long as you are the best one doing it.

Never underestimate the power of termites.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.

Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you must blow your own nose.

A penny saved is not much

Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a Mister.

Funny Hater Quotes

Behind every bitch is a man that made her that way

I hate two faced people. It’s hard to decide which face to slap first.

Sweetie, if your going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

I may look calm, but in my head, I’ve killed you three times.

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.

I love listening to lies, when I know the truth.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Dear Lord, please give me the strength to not slap an idiot today…Amen

Does this dress make me look fat? No, it’s the fat that makes you look fat.

If anybody sends me anymore farmville requests, I will burn your crops and destroy your animals!

Never take back what you say, turn your back and walk away!

Drama is made for movies, not reality!

Drama, lies, tears…teenage years.

Sorry…I’m not Rihanna. I don’t love the way you lie.

Love me, hate me, just think, you’re thinking of me!

You talk it. We live it. You’re jealous. Admit it.

It’s not my fault your man wants me.

My name must taste good! It’s always in someone’s mouth

Save the drama for your mama!

If you don’t like me – who the hell cares!

People will always talk about you… might as well give them something to talk about

Keep talkin: you’re making me famous!

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

If you don’t know me, THEN DON’T JUDGE ME! Nobody said you had to “love me”!

Speak well of your enemies – You were the one who made them!

To all you haters – Do what you do. I sure as hell ain’t gonna waste my time on YOU!

Hating on a certain name only gives them the fame.

Funny Jokes Quotes

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Stephen Colbert Quotes

“Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.”

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”

“If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.”

“Tomorrow you’re all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody’s high!”

“Equations are the devil’s sentences.”

“Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty!”

“It is a well know fact that reality has liberal bias”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.”

“There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.”

“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”

“I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.”

“Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult:If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.”

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”

“They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.”

“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.”

“I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

“You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?”

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

Funny Sarcastic Quotes

“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.” – A. B. Evans

“You don’t say civilization don’t advance – for every war they kill you a new way.” – Will Rogers

“The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.” – Colin Jarman

“Critics are the stupid who discuss the wise.” – Anonymous

“A critic is a man who writes about things he doesn’t like” – Anonymous

“I love criticism just as long as it’s unqualified praise.” – Noel Coward

“A critic is a man created to praise greater men than himself, but he is never able to find them.” – Richard Le Gallienne

“The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.” – Oscar Wilde

“When an opera singer sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.” – Victor Borge

“The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.” – Roseanne Arnold

“The power with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech.” – George Bernard Shaw

“I know she is outspoken, but by who?” – Dorothy Parker

“You don’t know a woman, until you’ve met her in court.” – Norman Mailer

“Women are like elephants to me; they’re nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” – W.C. Fields

“Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friends.” – Marcel Achard

“A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” – Anonymous

“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”- Charlotte Whitton

“A man’s love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Adam came first, but men always do.” – Anonymous

“If they can put one man on the moon, why can’t they put them all there?” – Anonymous

“Women have their faults. Men have only two: Everything they say. Everything they do.” – Anonymous

“Japanese are extremely good imitators and they so polite, they even copy the mistakes.” – Earl Scrugge

“If you’re gong to Paris you would do well to remember this: no matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist in answering you in French.” – Fran Lebowits