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Funny Quotes from Unknown People

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I’ve managed to post here some great funny quotes from some unknown people, but related to today’s times.

– I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

-How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

– LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

– I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

– Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

– Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

– How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

funny quotes– While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and i nstinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

– Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be
a problem….

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

– I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

What’s your favorite?

Funny Quotes About Parents

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“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby

“There are two things that a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and its mother’s age.” – Benjamin Spock

“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.” – Woody Allen

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” – Bill Cosby

“Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.” – Peter Ustinov

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – Joyce Armor

“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.” – Yogi Berra

“The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.” – Jim Morrison

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

funny quotes about parents“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either.” – Dick Cavett

“That’s sort of a cliché about parents. We all believe that our children are the most beautiful children in the world. But the thing is, what no one really talks about is the fact that we all really believe it.” – Heather Armstrong

“My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.” – Peter De Vries

“Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people’s children and publicly admit they can do better is asking for it.” – Erma Bombeck

“My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.” – Rita Rudner

“Call me Jonah. My parents did, or nearly did. They called me John.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them.” – Leo Buscaglia

“Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.” – John Locke

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” – Mark Twain

“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.” – Ogden Nash

“My parents are my backbone. Still are. They’re the only group that will support you if you score zero or you score 40.” – Kobe Bryant

“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.” – Dave Barry

“Tyranny or slavery, born of selfishness, are the two educational methods of parents; all gradations of tyranny or slavery.” – Franz Kafka

“The best part about being friends with your parents is that no matter what you do, they have to keep loving you.” – Natalie Portman

Funny Quotes and Sayings

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I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.

I keep hitting “escape”, but I’m still here.

I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.

I have a drinking problem – I can’t afford it.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when we’ve put footprints on the moon.

I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

I tried to put my head together but now my body is falling apart!!

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

I can resist everything except temptation.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs.’

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Funny Quotes and SayingsAging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.

When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

Born free, taxed to death.

Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can’t convince them, confuse them..

It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

The road to success….. Is always under construction.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk.

In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

If ignorance is bliss, then I must be the happiest thingamajig in the whatchamacallit!

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. [Oscar Wilde]

Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I know there’s other fish in the sea, but I lost my pole when the last one got away from me.

5 pearls of Wisdom

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5 pearls of wisdom5 pearls of Wisdom

1. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s much more comfortable crying in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the fuckers name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk.

Funny Anonymous Quotes

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It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

You never learn anything by doing it right.

funny anonymous quotesExperience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

You can’t be late until you show up.

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Nothing is impossible, means it is impossible to find something impossible, here comes the contradiction…

Funny Quotes and Sayings

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Let’s make our day better with some great funny quotes and sayings. I will appreciate if you choose your favorite and write it in a comment. Thank you!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

funny quotes and sayingsI go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

I don’t fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you’re in prison.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating.

When you’re sober you think twice before you speak, but when you’re drunk you speak twice before you think.

Funny Life Quotes

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Life without fun is nothing. Let me share with you a great piece of Funny Life Quotes. Please choose your favorite and write it on comments section. Thanks! :)

Funny Life Quotes

“The road to success is always under construction.”

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin P. Jones

“I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.”

“Tell someone there are 300 billion stars in the universe and they’ll believe you. Tell them a bench has wet paint on it and they’ll have to touch it to be sure.” – Murphy’s Law

“If you think something small can’t make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room.”

“The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it’s holding a parking ticket.”

“How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?”

“How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?” – Christy Whitehead

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” – Robert McCloskey

“The next time you think you’re perfect, try walking on water.”

“Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.”

Funny Life Quotes“Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“Bad decisions make good stories.”

“How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?” – François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.”

“People who snore always fall asleep first.”

“The trouble with, “A place for everything and everything in its place” is that there’s always more everything than places.” – Robert Brault

“No one is listening until you pass gas.”

“Life was so much easier when your clothes didn’t match and boys had cooties!”

“You’ve reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.”

This is you list of Funny Life Quotes. Can you tell us who was your favorite? Although, if you got another funny quote that is not on the list, please tell.

*photo via

10 Funny Wisdom Quotes

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“All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.” – H. L. Mencken

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.” – Anonymous

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” – Anonymous

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney

“I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller’s parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.” – New York City detective

“Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.” – Anonymous